Who You Want To Be
by Azerea
Summary: Ziva returns to D.C. after ten years, but things have changed more than she could have imagined and she is forced to reevaluate the decisions she has made.


**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.**

Who a You Want To Be

All she could think of as she turned onto his street was how wrong it was for her to be hoping that he was still waiting for her. It had been ten years. She wanted more than anything for him to be happy. But deep down she hoped he had waited.

When she pulled into his driveway she pretended her heart didn't sink a little at the sight of two young children playing in the yard. One boy and one girl.

She almost left then. It would be so easy. She hadn't even turned off the car. She could turn around, drive far away. No one would know she had ever come back.

But she had come too far to leave now, so she shut off the car and got out.

The older child, the girl, looked up as Ziva made her way to the front door. "Hi," the girl said. "I'm Isabella, who are you?"

Ziva smiled a bit, the girl had Tony's eyes. "I'm Ziva. I knew your dad a long, long time ago. Is he home?"

"Yes," Isabella replied. "He's in the house."

At that moment, the front door opened and a women stepped out. "Isabella, Jared, come in, it's time for dinner," she called to the children before her eyes landed on Ziva. "Hello?" she said uncertainly as Isabella and Jared ran into the house.

"Hello," Ziva said, suddenly uncomfortable. She had known that it was likely that Tony had moved on - she had hoped that he had - but standing here looking at this woman gave her a strong urge to run. "I wanted to speak to Tony for a moment if that would be alright."

"Of course, what is this about?"

Ziva hesitated for a moment. She wasn't even completely sure why she was there. To catch up with an old friend? To see if he was happy? To intrude on the life he had now? "I am an old friend of his and I…it's been awhile since I saw him and…I just thought I would see how he was, I suppose. I am Ziva David, by the way."

A look of understanding crossed the woman's face. "Of course, Tony has mentioned you. Come in." Ziva made her way to the door as the woman called, "Tony, there's someone here to see you."

"If it's the people selling security systems again, tell them to go away." Ziva recognized Tony's voice even after ten years. She stood in the front hallway and the woman closed the door.

"It's not," the woman replied.

Tony appeared at the end of the hallway, grinning in the way Ziva had missed so much. He froze when he saw her. "Ziva," he said, his shock showing all over his face.

"I'll leave you two to catch up," the woman said.

"Thanks Becca," Tony replied. "We'll be in the living room." He gesture for Ziva to follow him to the living room where they sat down on couches opposite each other. "So," Tony said. "You're back."

Ziva did not dignify the comment with a response. She did not want this to be one of those pointless catch up conversations.

When she said nothing Tony spoke again. "Why are you here?"

The words echoed in her head. Why was she there? She supposed it was the same reason he'd been there in Israel. But then, he'd never told her what that reason was.

"Ziva," Tony said, a bit impatiently. "You can't show up here out of nowhere and not say anything."

"I should not have come," she finally said, starting to stand up. This was a mistake. She needed to get out before things got any worse.

Tony roughly grabbed her wrist. She could have gotten free easily if she wanted to, despite the force if his grasp, but she didn't.

"Tony, you're hurting me," she said.

He dropped her wrist immediately. He looked like he might apologize for a moment, but thought better of it. "Ziva, please, tell me why you're here."

There was a silence that seemed to stretch on forever before she finally was ready to speak.

"Tony," she began, "ten years ago in Israel I made a choice. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you but I - "

"You don't have to explain what you did, Ziva," Tony interrupted. "I understand what you had to do."

"You do not understand things the way I do. Coming here proves what I could not admit before." She hesitated. Did she really want to say this? Did she really want to bring up the past? "My feelings for you have not changed in all this time and I was selfish, I wondered if maybe things were still the same for you, too."

He opened his mouth to say something but she held up her hand to stop him. She would never be able to say what she needed to say if he kept trying to reassure her that she needed to say nothing.

"That night, at the airport, watching you get on that plane, all I could do was wonder if I made a mistake. But I know I had to do what I did. It would have been so much easier if you had not come looking for me, reminding me of what I was losing. I never deserved you, Tony. I did not deserve to have anyone spend months searching for me, but you least of all. You who had always been so kind to me, somehow always knowing what I needed. All I needed then was you, yet I still made you go."

"That's a bit presumptuous, don't you think," Tony said and his words cut through her like a knife, "to think that just because you didn't deserve me it was your job to decide to leave."

"I did not leave because of you. I left because of me. It just helped to know that you would find someone better."

"I didn't want someone better, Ziva! For four years after you left every relationship I had failed because I couldn't stop comparing them to you. But meeting Becca helped, she was the first woman I didn't have to pretend was you, the first woman I told about you, and the one who helped me move on. You can't show up here and tell me I screwed up loving you, maybe thing would have been better if I hadn't, but I did, Ziva. I did, and then with you gone, I managed to find someone else I loved. Someone who was still not you, but she was everything I needed, then and now."

"Do you regret it?" Ziva forced out. "Knowing me?"

"I don't regret it, Ziva," Tony spoke softly. "I don't regret you."

"Good, then I don't regret not giving into what my heart was telling me and coming home with you. All I have worried about over the years was whether you were happy. You, and Gibbs, and McGee, and Abby, and everyone. To see that you are makes me very happy."

"Ziva," Tony took her hand and said quietly, "I am happy. More happy than I could have imagined when I left you in Israel." He paused and she saw that the anger had left his eyes. "But there are times when I look at my wife and children and wonder if things had been different if it would be you in there with our children."

"There is no use in dwelling on what could have been. I made a choice and you made yours. Things happen the way they do for a reason and I - we have to trust that they are the right things."

He smiled sadly and after a moment of looking at each other she stood. "I should go. It was nice seeing you again Tony."

"Wait, Ziva," Tony lightly grasped her hand causing her to face him again. "I have something to give you. Just stay here for a minute."

She perched back on the edge of the couch as he left the room.

He returned and handed her an envelope. She looked up at him uncertainly, not exactly sure what he was giving her.

"Just some things I wanted you to have," he explained.

She struggled for something to say as he walked her to the door. Thank you? I'll miss you? Goodbye? I love you? No. There were no words to fill the void she had felt since they last saw each other.

His wife, Becca, came out of the kitchen and said hesitantly, "Tony, the kids want to wait for you to eat, should I tell then not to?"

Tony smiled over his shoulder to her. "I'll be there in a minute." Becca smiled back and returned to the kitchen.

Seeing the love in her eyes, the happiness on the faces of the children as they ran into the family room to play as they waited for their father, and the contentment in the way Tony looked at them, Ziva smiled too, suddenly knowing what to say.

"Tony, you are so loved," she whispered.

She knew he knew that it didn't mean 'I love you' like it had the last time she said it. This time it meant that she could see how much he loved his family and how much they loved him. It meant she was happy that he was happy and it meant that she wanted him to know that the reason for her visit was to make sure of that.

They both smiled as she pulled open the door and prepared to step outside. Ziva couldn't bring herself to actually say goodbye and apparently Tony couldn't either because he said nothing. She gave him one last look and started to turn around but at the last minute she moved in to hug him. He wrapped his arms around her and neither of them moved for a moment. Then she broke away and went through the door before she had a chance to find an excuse to stay.

She saw him looking through the window as she got into her car. They both smiled and waved.

At the stop sign at the end of his street, Ziva stopped to open the letter, curiosity overpowering her desire to get as far away as possible.

She pulled out two slips of paper and a necklace, her Star of David.

The first paper said:

I thought you might like this back. It always gave me hope that I would see you again someday and now I have. Maybe seeing it will remind you of me the way I have been reminded of you everyday.

She smiled, fastening the necklace around her neck for the first time in ten years. She had given it to Tony as a sign that she'd come back one day and, as Tony had said, she'd finally fulfilled that promise.

The second piece of paper had only five words written on it, but those five words were enough to cause the tears she had held back to begin to fall.

I will

Never forget her.

She put the paper on the seat beside her and wiped her eyes before she started moving again. Then she drove. She wasn't paying any attention to where she was going she just needed to fill the empty space that was consuming her.

Still, it didn't surprise her when she ended up outside Gibbs's house. She didn't hesitate this time before going in. She followed the sound of sanding wood to the basement.

He didn't look up as she made her way down the steps. He had probably known somehow that she'd show up tonight after ten years.

She leaned up against the workbench and he emptied a jar and poured her a drink. She muttered a thank you and took a sip.

They stood there for what seemed like a long time saying nothing. Not that she had expected him to talk, but she wasn't quite sure what it was she wanted to say yet. She had come for something more than just alcohol to take her mind off things, if she could just figure out how to put that reason into words.

Finally, she said, "I don't know what I expected. Coming back after ten years, it's not like everything is going to be the same. It's not like I even wanted things to be the same. I left so things could change and be better, for me, but also for the ones I left behind."

She looked up to see that Gibbs was staring at her in the way he always had. He didn't make any effort to comment on what she'd just said so she continued.

"Why is it then, that seeing how much everything has changed makes me feel so…empty? Why do I feel like I made a mistake?"

"You're only human, Ziva. Of course you have regrets."

"I do not regret staying in Israel. I had to do it. I had to change. But I wonder if perhaps…I did not change as much as I had thought. Maybe the rest of the world has changed and I am still the same person I have always been. Maybe this is who I'll always be."

"Who do you want to be?" Gibbs softly.

Ziva was silent for a moment. It was a difficult question, one she had spent a long time thinking about and still wasn't sure what the answer was. Finally she said, "I want to be someone who deserves the people who love me."

"You think that's not what we all want? That we don't all just want to be good enough? Sometimes you have to accept that you're not and that people who care about you don't care about that. You could spend your entire life trying to make things right and come back only to realize that things will never be right. Changing yourself won't change the world."

"It doesn't matter, it's too late now anyway."

Gibbs looked away. "It's not too late. Maybe for you and DiNozzo, but you still have time to live."

"Live doing what? I left the only life I knew behind me and I have nothing now."

"You've got to take what life gives you. You got a second chance. You can't ask to start over one minute and then come back here deciding you want your old life back the next." There was anger in his voice now. She didn't mind, she hadn't come to have him make her feel better.

"All I ever wanted was to be a good daughter, a good sister, and a good agent. Now, I am none. What am I supposed to do when I have nothing left?"

Gibbs closed his eyes for a moment and Ziva could see that the conversation was hurting him. "You don't have nothing, Ziva," Gibbs muttered.

He'd lost everything, she remembered suddenly. He'd dealt with losing his wife and daughter. Compared to what he had then, Ziva had so much. At least she thought she did. McGee and Abby could hate her for all she knew.

But they might not. If Gibbs had made it through losing his family, if he was able to start a new life with new people and not spend every moment regretting, then so could she.

She was surprised when Gibbs continued to speak, "You're not the only one who lost something, Ziva, when you decided to stay in Israel. We all did, but Tony most of all. Maybe even more than you. You at least made a choice. He was left here regretting a decision he didn't even make."

"I never wanted to hurt him," Ziva said slowly.

He didn't say anything, he just looked at her as if asking what she was going to do now.

He was right, she had gotten what she'd wanted. She had changed. It might hurt at times but she had to believe that things would work out somehow.

She looked up and met Gibbs's eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. She turned and left quickly, not knowing where she was going, but having faith at last that she would get there.


End file.
